George Monbiot: the strange affair of the disappearing climate activist

The alarming rumours about George Monbiot that began to circulate on the internet last night have now taken a more sinister turn. Apparently the alarm was raised when he failed to turn up at the BBC Television Centre for a cocktail party to launch their Climate Change Causes Poverty season of documentaries. If even half of what is being said is true, then this should be a matter of grave concern to both warmists and sceptics.As yet, reliable information is hard to come by, but according to a report on the BBC’s website (which has now been taken down) the climate activist has been deeply depressed about new research that is due to be published in Science later this month. Apparently this provides robust evidence of solar influence on recent variations in global average temperatures.

Although the BBC’s morning news bulletins made no mention of the circumstances in which George disappeared, the Today programme broadcast an emotional tribute by their Environment Analyst, Roger Harrabin:

‘I really don’t know where we would be without George Monbiot. We relied on him for so much of our output on climate change. It was only his great knowledge of the subject that has allowed us to avoid reporting a great deal of misleading scientific research that was apparently commissioned by oil companies. It would not be too much to say that we relied on George’s cautious and well balanced advice completely to define our editorial policy.’

The fact that flags at BBC Television Centre are now flying at half-mast may indicate that more news will be available soon.

Reuters have interviewed a young couple who were in the vicinity of the new coal fired Power Station at Kingsnorth last night and witnessed a strange incident:

‘We were just passing the gates of the power station when this weird bloke came along carrying what looked a bit like a great big carton of organic orange juice or something. He stared at us and shouted, ‘The death trains are coming – chuff, chuff, chuff!’, so we didn’t hang about. Then a minute or two later we heard him yell, ‘The bastards were right!’, and there was an almighty flash and bang. The whole place was lit up and there was this terrible smell of petrol. We just ran for it.’

The SouthEastNews website has a video interview outside Kingsnorth with Supt. Jeremiah Hansen of Kent Police. A small crater is clearly visible in the foreground. He told the presenter that, according to preliminary forensic examination, the crater was probably consistent with the detonation of a small quantity of petrol. Specialists have yet to establish whether there were any human remains in the vicinity, but the police would be grateful for information about a document that was found close by. This was entitled Schnellwarmer, A.R. and Ausgasser Z. K.  Increased Solar Influence on Bovine Flatulence During the Late 20^th Century; Science (in press). ‘It’s a bit of a puzzle’, said the Superintendent, ‘as no one seems to be able to explain to us what it is about. We did have a telephone call from somebody who claimed to be a scientist at the Met Office, but that individual has now been charged with wasting police time. He told us that the document was an oil company funded attempt to prove that global warming has been caused by sunshine making cows fart.’

A spokesperson for Plane Stupid has told The Guardian that independent scientific research has already proved that George was murdered on the instructions of a syndicate of aviation companies.  Although he was unable to name any of them, and couldn’t remember who had conducted the research, he said that only mischievous people and climate deniers would challenge the evidence. When asked what form the evidence took, he said that it would be perfectly clear to all rational people, so that didn’t really matter.  He added that a number of well-known climate ‘deniers’ had recently been seen in the Kingsnorth area, and that one of them had been smoking a pipe.

Whatever the truth about George’s disappearance may be, there are plenty of environmental websites that are assuming the worst. Tributes are beginning to appear everywhere.

The Stop Climate Chaos blog has announced a candlelit vigil outside the gates at Kingsnorth this evening. A later update, in response to a comment pointing out that this would not be carbon neutral, suggests that if anyone would prefer to bring glow-worms in jam jars, then that would be really cool. An even later update said that they had now been threatened by the animal liberation front.

Lord Monckton of Brenchley, a leading climate sceptic, told the Daily Telegraph that his happiest memories of George would be his great sense of humour and tolerant attitude towards all those who disagreed with him. ‘He was the kind of climate activist that we could all respect and admire, and his integrity was unshakeable, especially when he was reporting on evidence that called into question his own point of view’.

Outside Lambeth Palace, the Archbishop of Canterbury’s press secretary told reporters that as no trace of human remains have been found near the crater, it is possible that this was a very rare example of an apotheosis. ‘In that case it would not be a tragedy at all’, he said. ‘To be honest, we are still trying to work out whether we should be praying for George, or praying to Him’.

The last word must go to a grieving supporter who was kneeling beside the area of blackened concrete outside the gates at Kingsnorth. ‘Oh why did you do it George? We all trusted you’ he sobbed, ‘at least you could have used bio-diesel’

Update 01/04/2009 11:59 I am delighted to report that, about an hour ago, George Monbiot was sighted smoking a cigar and carrying a copy of ‘Opportunities in Opencast Coal Mining Today‘ as he disembarked from a charter flight in the Seychelles. He is said to be in excellent health so we can look forward to many more years of mirth when we read his column in The Guardian.

[To the unsuspecting: please note the date on which this was posted]